Hmmmm

"Hmmmm, There hasn't been a post to this incredible blog in quite some time. " you may say. Fret not. I have not been eaten by alligators or homosexuals and I am here to grace you with another post for your reading pleasure. Truth be told I had an experience lately. An experience that has left me in a state of confusion and dazedness if you will (I'm a wordsmith you see) for which has taken me almsot 2 months to recover. For I have had a birthday one of our cultures worst inventions.

For those who has not experienced a birthday I will give you an explanation. Here's the definition from Websters dictionary "An event upon a individual becomes older. Sometimes into an old Grey decrepit person and loses their ability to do anything useful." See essentially a birthday is what brings us down from the fun loving children of yesteryear and makes us hateful realistic adults who hate the world and ourselves for what we have become.

Also may cause you to dress like this

Each birthday brings us that much closer to meeting our maker. For those not keeping score birthdays are the reason were dying. If it we stopped having birthdays we'd simply all live forever. Man has attempted over and over again to prevent aging. There is the old fountain of youth and people have searched the world for centuries for (not hard enough if they haven't found it yet). Today there's a bucket load of crazies who are convinced that diet, exercise and not doing drugs are the key to prolonging life.

I am here today to tell you that there are other ways to look young and live forever which never leaving the comfort of your parents basement and eating all the Cheetos you want. Just head over to get a pair of Alex Chiu's immortality rings. These little miracles actually revere aging and make you better looking. I'm actually ordering a pair right now. Its on the internet so it has to work right? because the internet is serious fucking business.

Mac Snack Wraps

Hello friends, as you may have seen McDonalds has recently introduced a new wrap in their line up called the Mac Snack Wrap. "Wow what a creative idea." or "This would be a great to way to make my ass grow." you may think but do not be fooled this is a horrible macstosity of a snack and should not be eaten by anyone with 1/17 of a brain.

Do not injest

"How did you come to this discovery?" you may ask. Well after a night of heavy drinking "in da club" as some may say I stumbled into my local 24 hour McDonalds about 4am. "I wants a McMuffin!" I first spouted upon approaching the counter. I was then disappointed when I was informed that they don't serve McMuffins until 6am. I then replied with "I'll get one of those um...new...mac attack wraps and ... um 2 chicken snack wraps.". The excitement of trying a new McDonalds food was cut short upon my first bite into this wrapped version on an old favorite. Something to the effect of this being the worse idea ever came to mind. Me being a foodtologist with almost 20 years experience I dare say I am qualified to say so.

Hang your heads in shame

How something as delicious and beloved as mcdonalds pizza can be taken away while this terrible idea can come out of the McDonalds pipeline is beyond me. This product will go the way of other terrible mcdonalds ideas. I'll leave you to reflect upon what I've said. Remember the Internet is serious business.

RIP

Tips For The Recession

I was thinking today (as I often do) about the current state of affairs of our economy and decided that not everyone knows how to deal with it. So I decided to compile a list of things everyone should do this recession.

1. Buy everything. This recession is bound to end soon right? My in depth analysis of the situation leads me to believe that it will last another 37 minutes so don't waste your time. While people are losing their houses you can be putting yourself into a massive pile of debt buying them. Then in 37 minutes you can sell them for MASSIVE PROFITS!

*Bonus tip, save money buying houses the pervious owners shot themselves in.

2. Just the necessities. Don't waste your money buying things you don't need. You are already in dept from all the houses you just bought so now is the time to act. Do you really need that shower every day? Your wasting precious water and increasing your hydro bill. Have children? Get rid of them. They cost you money and time you could spend whoring yourself out for $50 a pop.

3. Are you married to someone who makes more money than you? Divorce them and move into one of the several houses you've purchased.

4. Repeat. Find someone who is rich, divorce them and take their money. This is particularly easy if you happen to be an attractive young woman.

Something like this

5. Steal someones identity. Why should you have to deal with the repo men taking away your stuff when you can have them do it to a completely innocent stranger? Just steal someones identity and have them deal with all the problems that you cause.

6. Deal drugs. Its tax free income and according to my research if you get arrested they put you in a place called the "big house" with other people FOR FREE! Sounds like a great way to save money and make new friends while only having to give up your freedom for a predetermined period decided by the judge.

Don't you want to make more people this happy?

I hope you've enjoys some of my tips and enjoy being rich. Remember the Internet is serious fucking business.

First!

Hello internet. Welcome to my blog. This being my first blog and therefore me losing my bloginity to you fine people (not quite how I pictured it really). You may be asking yourself several questions right now such as "who is this guy?", "why am I being forced to read this at knife point?" and "why is the title of this post "first" like juvenile does in comment sections on YouTube?" well the answer to those questions are fuck you because the internet is serious fucking business.

Yes that's right. I've consulted the greatest minds on the internet and discovered rule 62. Only the most scholarly sources to find that Rule 62 states "The internet is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS. " You can find the complete list of internet rules here. Go head, I'll give you a minute to check them out.

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Done yet? No? OK.

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"your mom"

I regret to inform you that this is the end of my first post. I'm sorry to leave you like this, hungering for more information about the world but I am far to hungover to continue. Until next time. I'll leave you with some astonished Asians.